I Run

After completing seven marathons, maybe it's about time I imparted a little bit of the wisdom I've accumulated. So here are ways you can hit that infamous and not-so-elusive wall.

1. Make up your own training schedule based on proximity and business hours of Starbucks.
2. Skip your weekly long runs if it's raining, snowing, drizzling, foggy, too hot, too cold, too windy, or just way too nice because the stress of running under those conditions would do more harm than good.
3. Don't taper because 1) tapering is for wimps, and 2) those last three weeks are the second half of your training plan.
4. The day before the race visit every booth at the expo to get as much free stuff as you can, then put on a hat and sunglasses and do it again so you can get a bag of stuff for your mom too.
5. Then visit every tourist attraction in the city.
6. Pasta is so plebeian. Instead, the night before the race enjoy a fine French gourmet dinner with appetizers made out of things you'd find in a swamp or under a rock. Then have something made out of four sticks of butter for dessert.
7. On race day, skip breakfast because you want to be light on your feet (and because you're regretting that French meal).
8. Do not drink anything after you wake up and before the race so you don't have to stand in line at the port-a-potties.
9. Wear the glittery new pair of shoes you bought at the expo yesterday because you liked the little swirly thing on the side.
10. Wear the race shirt over your lucky cotton t-shirt because you're now feeling a little bit self conscious that your lucky shirt says "My Mommy Thinks I'm Special".
11. Don't plan a race strategy because you're a seat-of-the-pants maverick.
12. Come up with five plans at the start line when other runners look at you as if you're from Mars when you say you don't have a goal pace.
13. Plan A: Keep up with the elites after the gun goes off.
14. Plan B: After less than a quarter mile, abandon Plan A and try to keep up with the cutest girl/guy ahead of you.
15. Plan C: After another quarter mile, abandon Plan B and try to put some "time in the bank" by just running as fast as you can in case you get too tired later and need to slow down.
16. Totally forget what your other plans are, so weave back and forth around other runners and barrel through front yards, back yards, golf courses, parking lots, and Hoboken, NJ until you get a little elbow room.
17. Run past all the water stops because you don't stop for anything.
18. Except beer. Frat boys rule!
19. Try Gu for the first time after you pick up a packet dropped by another runner.
20. Take some frantic detours behind bushes and parked trucks.
21. Run through every sprinkler and hose that the kind residents on the course offer.
22. Blow past those slowpokes on "The Notorious Hill From Hell".
23. Actually, that wasn't it. THIS is the hill. Hasta la vista, baby!
24. That wasn't it either. Run through more sprinklers.
25. Take your shirts off because 1) they're soaked, and 2) your nipples are bleeding.
26. Take your shoes off because you realize that the swirly thing was probably the signature of the sadistic person who manufactured them.

  26.2. Hit the split button on your watch. Mile 1 down. 25.2 to go!